When I started this blog about a year ago I really lived inside of the core principles I had created for my life: there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. They were really the antithesis for how I had been living most of my life and were empowering to me in creating a life I wanted. The last several months I have not written a blog. What I have realized is this is partly because I haven’t been perfect enough nor successful in what I have been creating.
My friend a little over a week ago told me to hold a mirror up and deal with myself. And I have been doing that ever since which has led me to sharing now with you what I have been dealing with. First, I’m starting with being real with you about who I am and what I’m dealing with, which I haven’t done yet on my blog. I’m throwing looking perfect and successful out the window. So here goes:
I’m a single, almost 36-year-old woman (single over 35, growing up that would be the definition of imperfection as a woman), I’m interested in getting married but frankly, not taking the actions like dating to have that be a reality. I don’t know if I want children mostly because I gave up that dream in college when I was told it may be more difficult but still possible. I chucked the “possible” part out the window and only heard there was something wrong with me. Giving up on that dream was so much easier than fighting for it. Until three years ago I rarely traveled (way to scary and anxiety producing); struggled to be with people sometimes; and terrified to have close relationships because that would mean I could get hurt.
Until a year or two ago, essentially, I lived as a “victim” to life. Everything was doomsday, not possible, or hard. I was never going to have what I wanted; I had no say in how my life went; and I checked out of life, going through the motions, complaining and tired all the time. Those principles I outlined at the beginning of this post really made a difference to give up the victim and be the bold woman who could create and have anything in their life because they fought for it and trusted themselves to handle obstacles that came up.
The last few months, I have put the “victim cloak” back on and allowed life to happen to me, which has led to being insecure, anxious and exhausted. While I have been the “victim” in some areas more than others, in general I’m surviving my life again rather than taken ownership of my life.
Now what? I’m starting at the beginning using those principles; there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. And I will be real in the blog sharing the ups and downs as I go. Here is the first step I’m taking: Awareness.
For me, it is being aware of what I’m saying and doing. I think a LOT and usually my thoughts aren’t a pretty neighborhood to be in. But what I’ve come to realize is what actions I’m taking and what I’m saying don’t have to match those thoughts. One of my new favorite thoughts recently especially with work is “I will never do anything right”. Another good one I’ve started noticing when I look in the mirror is “Why would anyone love this body?”. Not super empowered by my thoughts. I’m finally aware of them especially when they come out of my mouth or if I’m acting on them. Awareness leads me to a choice. Act/say those thoughts or choose something else to say or act from. If I say them or act upon them, such as, “chocolate cake won’t add too much to today’s calorie count”, so I ate a slice of the chocolate cake (yep, that was last night); my thoughts almost prove themselves true.
For the first time since starting this blog, I will share with you the ups and downs of my new journey of practicing being true to myself while working to accomplish my goals in life. I’m starting my journey with awareness and sharing authentically with you. Stay tuned!