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Let’s Get Real…

When I started this blog about a year ago I really lived inside of the core principles I had created for my life: there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. They were really the antithesis for how I had been living most of my life and were empowering to me in creating a life I wanted. The last several months I have not written a blog. What I have realized is this is partly because I haven’t been perfect enough nor successful in what I have been creating.

My friend a little over a week ago told me to hold a mirror up and deal with myself. And I have been doing that ever since which has led me to sharing now with you what I have been dealing with. First, I’m starting with being real with you about who I am and what I’m dealing with, which I haven’t done yet on my blog. I’m throwing looking perfect and successful out the window. So here goes:

I’m a single, almost 36-year-old woman (single over 35, growing up that would be the definition of imperfection as a woman), I’m interested in getting married but frankly, not taking the actions like dating to have that be a reality. I don’t know if I want children mostly because I gave up that dream in college when I was told it may be more difficult but still possible. I chucked the “possible” part out the window and only heard there was something wrong with me. Giving up on that dream was so much easier than fighting for it. Until three years ago I rarely traveled (way to scary and anxiety producing); struggled to be with people sometimes; and terrified to have close relationships because that would mean I could get hurt.

Until a year or two ago, essentially, I lived as a “victim” to life. Everything was doomsday, not possible, or hard. I was never going to have what I wanted; I had no say in how my life went; and I checked out of life, going through the motions, complaining and tired all the time. Those principles I outlined at the beginning of this post really made a difference to give up the victim and be the bold woman who could create and have anything in their life because they fought for it and trusted themselves to handle obstacles that came up.

The last few months, I have put the “victim cloak” back on and allowed life to happen to me, which has led to being insecure, anxious and exhausted. While I have been the “victim” in some areas more than others, in general I’m surviving my life again rather than taken ownership of my life.

Now what? I’m starting at the beginning using those principles; there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. And I will be real in the blog sharing the ups and downs as I go. Here is the first step I’m taking: Awareness.

For me, it is being aware of what I’m saying and doing. I think a LOT and usually my thoughts aren’t a pretty neighborhood to be in. But what I’ve come to realize is what actions I’m taking and what I’m saying don’t have to match those thoughts. One of my new favorite thoughts recently especially with work is “I will never do anything right”. Another good one I’ve started noticing when I look in the mirror is “Why would anyone love this body?”. Not super empowered by my thoughts. I’m finally aware of them especially when they come out of my mouth or if  I’m acting on them. Awareness leads me to a choice. Act/say those thoughts or choose something else to say or act from. If I say them or act upon them, such as, “chocolate cake won’t add too much to today’s calorie count”, so I ate a slice of the chocolate cake (yep, that was last night); my thoughts almost prove themselves true.

For the first time since starting this blog, I will share with you the ups and downs of my new journey of practicing being true to myself while working to accomplish my goals in life. I’m starting my journey with awareness and sharing authentically with you. Stay tuned!

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Completion is a Foundation

When the new year started, as you may have seen from my last post, I will sick. It took me a few weeks to get through the cold and start feeling like myself. What I realized was that going into last week finally feeling like myself, I was still carrying around anything I didn’t finish or complete in the past few years. All of this was literally showing up in my house. What I mean by complete is closure, peace, and not being dominated by that thing, situation, person or experience.

For the last two to three weeks, my house has been driving me crazy. Some small things and some large. Freezer was full, too many clothes in the closet, piles of paperwork that needed to be filed, stored or shredded; you get the picture. This was symbolic of my life. I had been building and creating on top of things that were still bothering me and incomplete. My house was a physical representation of what was still bothering me.

How many times have you tried to build something new or create a new project and it doesn’t go anywhere or you get stopped? Take a step further and looks at what is still bothering you, nagging your brain, or thinking about in your life. After spending the past weekend piling up trash in a dumpster, bags to giveaway and putting away items in storage; I feel free! What was stopping me in the actions toward the goals I have for 2019 is gone. I am starting to fulfill on my goals literally the next day after completing the house projects. And it was easy. I didn’t mentally complain to myself; I was excited to let 2018, 2017, 2016 (you get the point) go. I got to be creative in finding solutions to storage and design issues in my house using things that I already had and re-purposing. So I got to be creative, which is at the core with a number of my 2019 goals.

For me, today is like January 1st, 2019. I finally feel like I started 2019!  I’m reminded how simple it can be to complete things in my life, which opens myself up to things such as being creative, being present today in this moment, being free to enjoy a compliment and, mostly important, relishing in the miracle of who I am today and not the mental cage of who or where I should be in life. Welcome 2019 with completion as a foundation to create anything you want for yourself. It isn’t too late to start fresh and new!

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Regrets Can Be Inspirational

Wow, it’s 2019! So far my year started with a nasty, lingering cold that has humbled me and not allowed me to be as active as I would like starting the new year; hence the delay getting the first blog out of the year. Let’s start the new year talking about how regrets can be inspirational.

The big bad word called Regrets. It is in a lot of cliches, warnings for the future and can be the source of pain and suffering internally for people. Regrets, unfortunately, are inevitable but they don’t have to be a bad thing. With making decisions on a daily, moment-by-moment basis; having regrets are going to happen. Whether it is the guy or girl in college that could have been the “one”, having a donut or two that a co-worker brought into work, being angry or distance from a close relative before their death, not traveling more, or not getting enough sleep last night; we have regrets throughout our life.

The real question is “what are you going to do with your regret?”. If you ate the donut, you can create a plan around your health and well being to not eat it next time. However, if the regret looks insurmountable to be at peace with, such as your grandfather passing away, for example, and you regret the time you didn’t spend with him because you gave up on having a relationship with him; there are other things you can do to create closure and be at peace with that regret. Write him a letter, hang a picture of him on your wall, or share his life and who he was with other people to keep his memory alive. These things may bring you peace and it may take practice to learn what works for you.

What is key is how that regret impacts the future. How are you going to treat people including yourself (i.e. donuts) in the future such that you don’t have regrets? When a family member, friend or stranger hurts you and you would normally respond in anger or cutting them out of your life; what is a way you can respond differently? We react and then we usually regret the reaction and the impact it had on us and others. We can choose how we react; beating ourselves up for eating a donut; for losing a friendship or family member during a period of anger or distance; or buying the ugly trinket on a vacation without a place to put it in your house.

Additionally, before reacting, people fail to ask what is behind that person’s actions or words. Before reacting, pause and ask yourself, “what is underneath their action, comment or reaction they are having?” By getting that deeper understanding of what and why they are doing or saying something and what you are actually reacting to, you have the opportunity to maintain the loving relationship, lead by example other ways to interact and react and most importantly have a clear conscience without regrets.

First step is awareness and letting go of the scariness that comes from regret of what you have or have not done in the past along with potential regrets in the future actions or inaction. Embrace regrets as a vehicle to design your future as well as your moment-by-moment decisions. Allow them to inspire you in the future to do, say and react without regrets including creating what you want and how you want to live and interact with people in the future. Put the regrets to work to inspire your future!

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Being Vulnerable

Sometimes you just need to cry, scream, be silent or avoid. Whether you are dealing with a loss, major transition in your life or day-to-day activities; there is no right way to handle it (outside of ensuring you and others are not harmed through the process). Life is messy and being human and vulnerable sometimes isn’t pretty. But it is real and important to go through it. I hope you have at least one person who you can be vulnerable with that truly gets what that is like and is able to support and empower you while you are in the middle of dealing with a difficult situation.

I am going to cough up that I have not been practicing what I have been “preaching”/ sharing. I have shared about be grateful, saying yes to love and contribution and being present in the day-to-day moments but the last few weeks or really a month; I have been stressed, exhausted and physically unhealthy. Through to my early 30s, I spent most of my life in this space. This shifted in the last few years; however, recently I easily fell back into it. I have not upheld promises I have made and I have not done what I said I would in all of the areas of my life including being true to who I have become.

Why am I coughing that up? This week I have been around people in my life that are dealing with some profound traumas, emotions and transitions in their life. Being able to witness what they are bravely dealing with has brought perspective back to my life.  Throughout my life, I have experienced a number of people die including jointly caring for my mom with my dad before she passed away as well as a lot of transition and major changes. I really believe that I went through all of that to be able to support and empower others in dealing with similar situations. I get to be a safe space and person to talk to and I get to help walk with them through their journey. And I can’t do any of that if I’m being stressed, exhausted and physically unhealthy. So tomorrow is a new day and I will be starting mine being unstoppable in my health and well-being so that I can empower and support others in whatever they are dealing with even if that is just by saying “Hi” with a smile.

I experienced sharing as being the most important part of moving through a huge life change or trauma. I know most of the people in my life including me had been taught from a young age that sharing and showing any vulnerability is a weakness. But I have found when you are with people that care for and support you; sharing and being vulnerable  is the key to moving through and dealing with what is happening in your life. The power in sharing and being vulnerable is realizing that you are not alone in your experiences and emotions. And having those people in your life is crucial for “staying sane” in life (staying sane can look different for everyone).  It is crucial to know that you are not alone and have others that get it.

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Gratitude

Inside of my last post I spoke of unconditional love including receiving that contribution and love. This post will be all about being grateful. This was a tough week for me and I was present to how easily balance in my life goes out and the little things that friends and family can do to impact us being balanced.

Inside of the stress this week, I was not tending to me. I was not being as productive; was not eating or not eating healthy; not keeping my newly started exercise routines; and overall allowing myself to be taken out by the stress. In those moments, in the past, I would beat myself up for not being perfect, not being strong enough to handle everything, eating that burrito, etc. I had a moment one night this week where I stopped the stress and reaction to the stress. What I did instead was sang one of my new favorite songs, Joy by For King & Country, at the top of my lungs driving home, walked around my neighborhood which reminded me of the power of physical activity to relieve stress (something I have only started to discover and embrace) and ate a healthy, good meal. 

Prior to coming to that moment of stopping the stress and tending to myself, I had friends reminding me to breathe and asking me “how are you”. I spent time with a friend who took me out for an early birthday dinner and after that dinner, I was again calm, at peace and balanced. As I was looking over the last week, I realized that I have created an amazing community around me and that inside of that community each friend and family member contributes to me in different ways. Some friends are good at calming me down, others are great at challenging me to do new things, and others still, are great at just letting me be silly and crazy. If not for the people in my life, I would not have been able to stop the reaction to stress that night this week. I would not be centered and balanced again today and writing this blog.

Over my life until recently, I have pursued the “shoulds” we have been taught by society; having a beautiful house, nice car, perfect family, lots of money, good job, etc. And what I have discovered newly this week is that the magic and miracles of this life exists inside of the people and communities we surround ourselves with. It is in the people that we call friends and family, whether they are blood family or a created family. It is in how we leave people after each interaction with them and vice versa. It is in being human and vulnerable and allowing ourselves to receive contribution and love from others. It is perfect that the last blog was about Saying Yes and receiving contribution and love because this week what showed up was an opportunity to receive just that. This is what I’m grateful for today. What are you grateful for in your life today?

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Saying Yes

My life journey has been a bit of a roller coaster. I didn’t have a bad childhood and I had experienced and people in my life that have shaped me. These challenges, experiences and “created truths” have shaped and in some cases dictated where I am today. This past week and a half, I’m discovering newly what unconditional love is and how I respond to it.

Unconditional love is love that is given without any expectation, need or want for it to be returned. This can be opening a door for you, holding your hand during a difficult moment or calling or texting you on a crazy stressful day. The point is that they love you for you because you are in their life. This was a hard concept for me to grasp and took me a long time to get that I can be loved no matter what I do or don’t do with my life, my weight, how much money I make, or if I have been the perfect person I think I should be. And I finally got it and discovered how magical unconditional love can be, whether it is with a friend, family, stranger, or a significant other.

Now I’m discovering how I respond to unconditional love. Last week, I was in Sedona Arizona for my dad’s wedding. I purposefully surrounded myself with friends that over the years have become my family; some of the most influential and important people in my life today. I found so many little moments of beauty, gratitude, and just “wow” inside of the weekend. Whether it was taking a shot of tequila as part of a new fun game, ending each night with a friend on the patio staring at the stars and talking or watching each other dance to music in our suite; these moments were priceless. And inside of that same weekend, I started to realize where I have not been open to receiving unconditional love. My thoughts go to evening the score so I don’t owe anyone anything; questioning why they would even come to Sedona with me; or ensuring I split the bill with them when they offered to pay.

Inside of the 5 love languages, one that is most important to me is also the one that I fight the most; Acts of Service. One of my friend’s love language is Acts of Service as well. Over the last year, through his actions, he has really taught me to allow him and others to contribute to me and love me unconditionally. And this past week I realized, I am still questioning and fighting that love and contribution. While my past experiences and people in my life have taught me to the a strong, independent woman that can take care of myself; I’m realizing that I have also used that as a shield to protect myself. There is no room for unconditional love and contribution when I am only strong, independent and taking care of myself.

So I’m taking on practicing saying “Yes” to love and contribution someone wants to give me. Yes to a gesture of love –  a full huge hug, paying a bill, driving me somewhere, planning the details to meet up, planning new experiences we haven’t done yet, or offering their thoughts and advice. I’m saying: Yes! No matter what I think, feel or my concerns. I invite you to say Yes! to unconditional love.

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Starting the Journey

“Man this sucks!” Or some version of that is how much we live our lives wondering how we got to the place we are at; where did the month, year or 10 years go. Some things are amazing like falling in love, getting married, having children but those are tiny moments within a lifetime of moments. So how do we create more moments like these? Especially when we are constantly running to get to work, running to meetings and calls during work, running to pick up the kids or to the gym if you have time, running home, working some more or dulling the day with TV, a drink or just going to sleep to start it all over. Inside this “rat race”, how do we live in the moment? What does that even mean?

I define “a moment” as a moment where you can say “Wow”, “Beautiful”, “Amazing”, “I feel alive”, “I feel free”, etc; a time or moment where you are super present to what you see or are doing. These are the moments that remind us we are alive. So the question is how do we do that during the running to here and then running to there of our day. How do we complete our day filled up and not drained?

You know when you are planning a vacation; you prepare all the details. You rush and worry about preparing everything before you leave like house sitting for the pets, wrapping up the loose ends at work, ensure you have all the supplies you need. Then it is worrying about getting to the airport or the destination; then you stress over the itinerary that you created of everything that you want to do or see. Then you worry about getting home on time so the rest of your schedule isn’t messed up. You come back more exhausted then you left and may not have even enjoyed your trip. I can’t tell you how many times I hear or say; “I need a vacation from my vacation!”

My mission is to have regular amazing people that are busy and stressed find the small wow moments in their average day and activity. Take on finding in one activity, experience, moment; something positive. Your kids are arguing and you normally would be pissed off because you want quiet; at that moment, you can watch them for a split second and say, wow look at the self-expressed kids I raised.

I will never forget I just leased a new car and one month to the day, I was rear-ended waiting at a stop light to turn. Normally, I would be anxious, frustrated, pissed, overwhelmed with one more thing I have to deal with. But when I got out of my car and she got out of her, she said “I’m so sorry. My mom just passed away last week. I knew I shouldn’t be driving yet and this happened when my dad died too. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did this.” She is sobbing as she is talking and frazzled while trying to find her paperwork. I said “It is ok. Things happen and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t image what you are dealing with.” She looked at me so surprised because she thought I was going to reacted pissed off, yell at her etc. And instead I showed compassion. It surprised me too the way I responded. She profusely thanked me; had a smile on her face and was so appreciative of my words when we parted. That was a moment in that day for me. What I didn’t know was coming was seven months later almost to the day I would lose my mom as well.

Where are you going to find your “Wow”, “Beautiful”, “I feel alive moments” during your average normal daily routines? Let’s explore together what living in the moment, one moment at a time will be like and how it will impact us. Take this journey with me!