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Let’s Get Real…

When I started this blog about a year ago I really lived inside of the core principles I had created for my life: there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. They were really the antithesis for how I had been living most of my life and were empowering to me in creating a life I wanted. The last several months I have not written a blog. What I have realized is this is partly because I haven’t been perfect enough nor successful in what I have been creating.

My friend a little over a week ago told me to hold a mirror up and deal with myself. And I have been doing that ever since which has led me to sharing now with you what I have been dealing with. First, I’m starting with being real with you about who I am and what I’m dealing with, which I haven’t done yet on my blog. I’m throwing looking perfect and successful out the window. So here goes:

I’m a single, almost 36-year-old woman (single over 35, growing up that would be the definition of imperfection as a woman), I’m interested in getting married but frankly, not taking the actions like dating to have that be a reality. I don’t know if I want children mostly because I gave up that dream in college when I was told it may be more difficult but still possible. I chucked the “possible” part out the window and only heard there was something wrong with me. Giving up on that dream was so much easier than fighting for it. Until three years ago I rarely traveled (way to scary and anxiety producing); struggled to be with people sometimes; and terrified to have close relationships because that would mean I could get hurt.

Until a year or two ago, essentially, I lived as a “victim” to life. Everything was doomsday, not possible, or hard. I was never going to have what I wanted; I had no say in how my life went; and I checked out of life, going through the motions, complaining and tired all the time. Those principles I outlined at the beginning of this post really made a difference to give up the victim and be the bold woman who could create and have anything in their life because they fought for it and trusted themselves to handle obstacles that came up.

The last few months, I have put the “victim cloak” back on and allowed life to happen to me, which has led to being insecure, anxious and exhausted. While I have been the “victim” in some areas more than others, in general I’m surviving my life again rather than taken ownership of my life.

Now what? I’m starting at the beginning using those principles; there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. And I will be real in the blog sharing the ups and downs as I go. Here is the first step I’m taking: Awareness.

For me, it is being aware of what I’m saying and doing. I think a LOT and usually my thoughts aren’t a pretty neighborhood to be in. But what I’ve come to realize is what actions I’m taking and what I’m saying don’t have to match those thoughts. One of my new favorite thoughts recently especially with work is “I will never do anything right”. Another good one I’ve started noticing when I look in the mirror is “Why would anyone love this body?”. Not super empowered by my thoughts. I’m finally aware of them especially when they come out of my mouth or if  I’m acting on them. Awareness leads me to a choice. Act/say those thoughts or choose something else to say or act from. If I say them or act upon them, such as, “chocolate cake won’t add too much to today’s calorie count”, so I ate a slice of the chocolate cake (yep, that was last night); my thoughts almost prove themselves true.

For the first time since starting this blog, I will share with you the ups and downs of my new journey of practicing being true to myself while working to accomplish my goals in life. I’m starting my journey with awareness and sharing authentically with you. Stay tuned!

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Completion is a Foundation

When the new year started, as you may have seen from my last post, I will sick. It took me a few weeks to get through the cold and start feeling like myself. What I realized was that going into last week finally feeling like myself, I was still carrying around anything I didn’t finish or complete in the past few years. All of this was literally showing up in my house. What I mean by complete is closure, peace, and not being dominated by that thing, situation, person or experience.

For the last two to three weeks, my house has been driving me crazy. Some small things and some large. Freezer was full, too many clothes in the closet, piles of paperwork that needed to be filed, stored or shredded; you get the picture. This was symbolic of my life. I had been building and creating on top of things that were still bothering me and incomplete. My house was a physical representation of what was still bothering me.

How many times have you tried to build something new or create a new project and it doesn’t go anywhere or you get stopped? Take a step further and looks at what is still bothering you, nagging your brain, or thinking about in your life. After spending the past weekend piling up trash in a dumpster, bags to giveaway and putting away items in storage; I feel free! What was stopping me in the actions toward the goals I have for 2019 is gone. I am starting to fulfill on my goals literally the next day after completing the house projects. And it was easy. I didn’t mentally complain to myself; I was excited to let 2018, 2017, 2016 (you get the point) go. I got to be creative in finding solutions to storage and design issues in my house using things that I already had and re-purposing. So I got to be creative, which is at the core with a number of my 2019 goals.

For me, today is like January 1st, 2019. I finally feel like I started 2019!  I’m reminded how simple it can be to complete things in my life, which opens myself up to things such as being creative, being present today in this moment, being free to enjoy a compliment and, mostly important, relishing in the miracle of who I am today and not the mental cage of who or where I should be in life. Welcome 2019 with completion as a foundation to create anything you want for yourself. It isn’t too late to start fresh and new!

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What is Success?

This week has been stressed with work and life. As I started reflecting on it, I realized I struggled most of my life with striving to be successful. For years, I knew exactly what “successful” was based on my perception of family standards of success and societal messages from movies, music and my community. However, at the same time I was struggling with worrying about being successful as if I already knew it wasn’t as important as I thought but I didn’t have what my version of success was. Really I didn’t know what other options or how else success could be defined. And while my definition growing up of success was money and everything it could get you along with as a woman your goal is to be married and have babies; other people grew up with success as education or a good job or being happy, etc. And yet we are so ingrained with whatever version of what success is to us and achieving it, that we don’t stop to see if what we are actually chasing is something we want.

I have had the unique perspective of experiencing life with money and life without a lot of money. And for years I was trying to be successful which was designer clothes in the closet, where you live and what you drive. It didn’t matter if you had a undergraduate or graduate degree; it was what was in your bank account or the perception based on how you lived of how much was in your bank account. And I struggled against that ideal because after college I went into social services working with victims of domestic violence working full time making minimum wage per hour at the time. I lived at home, started going to Target, Old Navy and consignment stores for furniture instead of Nordstroms and buying designer labels. I was proud of making it on my own and being the poster child for the “anti-money rebel” in my social community and family.

What is even more ridiculous is that all while I was living and proclaiming the “anti-money” motto, I craved for the fancy life, money, and “success”. So inauthentic and fake but this was my life. Throughout this time as well I was dealing with anxiety and then my mom’s illness and eventual death.  After a year and a half in social services, I realized I couldn’t continue and I did actually need more money to be able to pay bills. So I went to another non-profit and started as a HR Assistant. I started taking on more projects and responsibilities throughout the years all in the effort of moving up in the world and getting a fancy title (another version of success). I thought I had finally made it, at least in my title, when I transitioned to that non-profit’s corporate office. And I still wasn’t making a lot of money but I at least had a different title and new areas of HR that allowed me to learn different skills.

However, I wasn’t happy, through no fault of the company I worked for. I was stressed, not enjoying my job or life, resentful of everything, and stayed being resentful for a number of years. As I started to come to the realization through meeting other people at different times in their life, areas of work etc., I started to see what I actually wanted. Here is what I discovered:

Life isn’t about the title you achieve, money you make, luxuries you can afford or contrary to societal messages, being miserable and stressed as a badge of honor to be able to gripe and commiserate with co-workers, friends and family. It isn’t trying to always reach or achieve something else out there in the future; a goal, an ideal, or a stereotype of the one thing that would make you happy if you ever achieved it. I realized I was missing my life in the moment for something in the future I didn’t even know or think I wanted. Don’t get me wrong; there is absolutely nothing wrong with having money, being rich or continually striving to increase how much money you have each week, month or year. I enjoy finally being financially stable and am thankful for the blessings I have had that allow me to enjoy traveling and eating out at nice restaurants with friends and family. And now I am not sacrificing my life, family, friends, well-being and more importantly my soul/spirit for that goal or ideal of “success”. I am happy, content, and grounded in who I am and what I want since giving up what I thought was success and chasing that.

If you are striving to be that ingrained version of “successful” because you were told that it would mean if you achieve “it”, you would be successful and satisfied or you are trying to prove something like you are worthy of money or good enough to have “success”; that is not success. Try on that success, no matter what you grew up ingrained to believe it is; is actually doing something (whether or not it is the thing that is making you money) that you love, the people you surround yourself with, and the little moments of being true to yourself no matter how much money you make, where you live or what you drive. Those could be what it means to be successful. And it may look different for you. For me, those are the things that make me feeling successful and fulfilled day-to-day.