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Let’s Get Real…

When I started this blog about a year ago I really lived inside of the core principles I had created for my life: there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. They were really the antithesis for how I had been living most of my life and were empowering to me in creating a life I wanted. The last several months I have not written a blog. What I have realized is this is partly because I haven’t been perfect enough nor successful in what I have been creating.

My friend a little over a week ago told me to hold a mirror up and deal with myself. And I have been doing that ever since which has led me to sharing now with you what I have been dealing with. First, I’m starting with being real with you about who I am and what I’m dealing with, which I haven’t done yet on my blog. I’m throwing looking perfect and successful out the window. So here goes:

I’m a single, almost 36-year-old woman (single over 35, growing up that would be the definition of imperfection as a woman), I’m interested in getting married but frankly, not taking the actions like dating to have that be a reality. I don’t know if I want children mostly because I gave up that dream in college when I was told it may be more difficult but still possible. I chucked the “possible” part out the window and only heard there was something wrong with me. Giving up on that dream was so much easier than fighting for it. Until three years ago I rarely traveled (way to scary and anxiety producing); struggled to be with people sometimes; and terrified to have close relationships because that would mean I could get hurt.

Until a year or two ago, essentially, I lived as a “victim” to life. Everything was doomsday, not possible, or hard. I was never going to have what I wanted; I had no say in how my life went; and I checked out of life, going through the motions, complaining and tired all the time. Those principles I outlined at the beginning of this post really made a difference to give up the victim and be the bold woman who could create and have anything in their life because they fought for it and trusted themselves to handle obstacles that came up.

The last few months, I have put the “victim cloak” back on and allowed life to happen to me, which has led to being insecure, anxious and exhausted. While I have been the “victim” in some areas more than others, in general I’m surviving my life again rather than taken ownership of my life.

Now what? I’m starting at the beginning using those principles; there are no “shoulds”, perfection is overrated and success is subjective. And I will be real in the blog sharing the ups and downs as I go. Here is the first step I’m taking: Awareness.

For me, it is being aware of what I’m saying and doing. I think a LOT and usually my thoughts aren’t a pretty neighborhood to be in. But what I’ve come to realize is what actions I’m taking and what I’m saying don’t have to match those thoughts. One of my new favorite thoughts recently especially with work is “I will never do anything right”. Another good one I’ve started noticing when I look in the mirror is “Why would anyone love this body?”. Not super empowered by my thoughts. I’m finally aware of them especially when they come out of my mouth or if  I’m acting on them. Awareness leads me to a choice. Act/say those thoughts or choose something else to say or act from. If I say them or act upon them, such as, “chocolate cake won’t add too much to today’s calorie count”, so I ate a slice of the chocolate cake (yep, that was last night); my thoughts almost prove themselves true.

For the first time since starting this blog, I will share with you the ups and downs of my new journey of practicing being true to myself while working to accomplish my goals in life. I’m starting my journey with awareness and sharing authentically with you. Stay tuned!

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Perfection is Overrated

Let’s keep this short and sweet. Perfection is overrated. I’ve been having  conversations with people the last couple of days around how trying to look good, do the “right” things, or control how things go doesn’t allow for the best moments in life. First, we don’t get to be authentic and true to what we want to do and who we want to be; and second, we don’t allow opportunities to arise for new experiences and unexpected turns in life that lead to the best moments.

I’m in Orlando, Florida a year ago for a training weekend and I few of us got in early to the hotel so we decide to go walking. After having dinner, we find an Ice Bar.  We decide to go in and have a drink. It was the coolest (literally and figuratively) experience I never knew I wanted to do. Everything including the seating and the drink glasses were ice. It was amazing and if I had planned everything out and controlled how it looked, I would never have experienced it.

I’m not saying not to have goals or plans. I’m saying enjoy the surprises in how they manifest. For example, when I travel now I have the 2-3 things I definitely am doing  on the trip but I allow them to arise in the time we are there organically. And I allow for the people I travel with to contribute to what we do and provide ideas. In the meantime, I enjoy the journey. I have done more incredible things and met the most amazing people because I stopped controlling everything to be a perfect trip.

Similarly, there isn’t the perfect man or woman out there; including you. There may be the perfect person for you and that person may be completely the opposite of your vision/idea of the perfect person. If you aren’t open to it, you may miss out on the best experience of your life; sharing your life with someone that makes you laugh, supports you no matter what and keeps life interesting (or your version of what you are looking for in a relationship).

Additionally, we will never be perfect and frankly, in my experience perfection can be boring. When you spend all your energy on being the version of perfect you think you should be including looking perfect, perfect job, perfect life partner, perfect kids etc; you are not actually living because you are putting all your energy on being perfect. We’ll talk more about the idea of perfection in the future. I will leave you with this: discover and experience the imperfections of life and the people you are surrounded by. It is the magic of living.

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Being Vulnerable

Sometimes you just need to cry, scream, be silent or avoid. Whether you are dealing with a loss, major transition in your life or day-to-day activities; there is no right way to handle it (outside of ensuring you and others are not harmed through the process). Life is messy and being human and vulnerable sometimes isn’t pretty. But it is real and important to go through it. I hope you have at least one person who you can be vulnerable with that truly gets what that is like and is able to support and empower you while you are in the middle of dealing with a difficult situation.

I am going to cough up that I have not been practicing what I have been “preaching”/ sharing. I have shared about be grateful, saying yes to love and contribution and being present in the day-to-day moments but the last few weeks or really a month; I have been stressed, exhausted and physically unhealthy. Through to my early 30s, I spent most of my life in this space. This shifted in the last few years; however, recently I easily fell back into it. I have not upheld promises I have made and I have not done what I said I would in all of the areas of my life including being true to who I have become.

Why am I coughing that up? This week I have been around people in my life that are dealing with some profound traumas, emotions and transitions in their life. Being able to witness what they are bravely dealing with has brought perspective back to my life.  Throughout my life, I have experienced a number of people die including jointly caring for my mom with my dad before she passed away as well as a lot of transition and major changes. I really believe that I went through all of that to be able to support and empower others in dealing with similar situations. I get to be a safe space and person to talk to and I get to help walk with them through their journey. And I can’t do any of that if I’m being stressed, exhausted and physically unhealthy. So tomorrow is a new day and I will be starting mine being unstoppable in my health and well-being so that I can empower and support others in whatever they are dealing with even if that is just by saying “Hi” with a smile.

I experienced sharing as being the most important part of moving through a huge life change or trauma. I know most of the people in my life including me had been taught from a young age that sharing and showing any vulnerability is a weakness. But I have found when you are with people that care for and support you; sharing and being vulnerable  is the key to moving through and dealing with what is happening in your life. The power in sharing and being vulnerable is realizing that you are not alone in your experiences and emotions. And having those people in your life is crucial for “staying sane” in life (staying sane can look different for everyone).  It is crucial to know that you are not alone and have others that get it.